Migrating canada geese - Getty Images
Yesterday, I asked my colleagues in a chat:
Suppose you’re on your career path, would you accept and commit to a cleaner vacancy with hope that you’ll advance to a department in line with your career within the same organization?
The discussion was centered on whether accepting a non-career-related job, like a cleaner position, is a viable strategy for eventually transitioning into a desired career. The major reason for this is; establishing financial stability while looking out for career-related job opportunities. Some participants argue that taking any available job is better than staying unemployed, as it provides exposure to potential opportunities and professional connections. Others caution that promotions are not guaranteed, and one could get stuck in an unrelated role.
One of my colleague, X, within minutes of our discussion, had informed us several separate times about how “humble” and “open-minded” he was. Yet as our conversation progressed, he dominated the discussion, dismissed alternative viewpoints, and redirected every topic back to his own perspective, experience and achievements. This created a disconnect diverting from the main topic. However, the consensus leaned towards using such jobs as stepping stones while actively seeking better opportunities and skills rather than relying solely on internal promotion.
The disconnect was extremely jarring—and it got me thinking about a fundamental question: How do we reconcile self-perception with observable reality?
”Show, Don’t Tell”: The Credibility Gap
There’s an old writer’s adage that applies remarkably well to character traits: “Show, don’t tell.” When someone repeatedly announces their positive qualities—whether it’s humility, honesty, or open-mindedness—it often achieves the opposite effect. True character reveals itself through actions, choices, and behavioral patterns over time.
Consider two scenarios:
Scenario 1: Alice never mentions her generosity but consistently offers help to colleagues, volunteers in her community, and shares her resources and knowledge freely without expectation of return.
Scenario 2: Bob frequently tells everyone how humble, generous and giving he is, highlights his charitable nature on social media, and mentions it in every introduction—yet he rarely contributes when needs arise, and his “generosity” always seems to come with conditions or public recognition.
Most of us would recognize Alice as the truly generous person, despite (or perhaps because of) her lack of self-promotion.
This intuition is backed by psychological research. The Dunning-Kruger effect suggests that people with lower competence in an area often overestimate their abilities, while the truly skilled tend to underestimate themselves. Our self-perceptions are further distorted by self-serving bias—our tendency to attribute positive outcomes to our character and negative outcomes to external circumstances.
Here’s a little snapshot of our chats:
Me: People often tend to have a deep emotional attachment to something they have put a lot of creative energy.
Mr. X: I use open-mindedness not emotions sir, that’s attacking me in a weak way😊
The Universal Challenge of Self-Assessment
Accurate self-assessment is challenging for everyone, regardless of profession or background. We, just like Alice and Bob, live inside our own minds, with privileged access to our intentions and inner monologue, but limited visibility into how our behaviors actually impact others.
I’ve often reflected on this in my own life. I consider myself a good listener, but am I really? I believe I’m fair-minded, but do my actions consistently demonstrate that? The gap between who we believe ourselves to be and who we demonstrate ourselves to be can be significant.
This challenge becomes especially acute in areas where we deeply identify with certain traits. If being “kind” or “intelligent” or “hardworking” is core to your identity, acknowledging moments when you’ve acted otherwise can threaten your self-concept. It’s easier to maintain the narrative that aligns with our preferred self-image.
The Confidence-Competence Spectrum
People, like Bob or Mr. X, exhibit high confidence and less competent while working on a task. Therefore, this context helps explain why impostor syndrome is so widespread across professions and contexts. Genuine impostor syndrome manifests as persistent self-doubt despite evidence of competence—the feeling that you’ve somehow fooled everyone and will eventually be exposed as a fraud. Studies suggest that up to 70% of people experience this at some point in their lives, particularly in achievement-oriented environments.
But there’s another, more subtle phenomenon at play: using psychological concepts like impostor syndrome as a shield. I’ve witnessed people (myself included) who reflexively attribute failures or knowledge gaps to impostor syndrome rather than confronting actual deficiencies. “I’m not struggling because I need to develop this skill; I’m struggling because of impostor syndrome.”
This creates a fascinating paradox. Awareness of limitations—what learning theorists call “conscious incompetence”—actually signals developing wisdom. The most genuinely competent people I know freely admit what they don’t understand. Meanwhile, those who claim comprehensive knowledge often reveal their limitations when faced with complex challenges.
Finding Authentic Ground
So how do we navigate this terrain of self-perception versus reality?
First, we need better metrics than self-assessment. External feedback from trusted sources, observable outcomes of our efforts, and patterns in how others respond to us provide more objective measures than our internal narratives. When multiple people independently comment on the same quality in you, that’s more meaningful than your personal belief about possessing that quality.
Second, we should reframe how we think about character traits. These aren’t binary possessions but behavioral tendencies that exist on a spectrum and manifest differently across contexts. No one is humble or honest or hardworking 100% of the time. Authentic self-awareness means recognizing the conditions under which we’re more likely to embody our ideal selves—and when we’re likely to fall short.
Third, we need to foster relationships and communities that value authentic communication about both strengths and limitations. Real growth happens in environments where people can acknowledge mistakes and weaknesses without fear, making space for genuine development rather than impression management.
In my experience, genuine character emerges through a combination of:
- Consistent behaviors aligned with claimed values
- Transparent acknowledgment of moments when we fall short
- Receptiveness to feedback, even when uncomfortable
- Efforts to reconcile the gap between our ideal self and our actual behaviors
Beyond Self-Perception
Reflecting on that networking encounter I mentioned earlier, I realize now what bothered me wasn’t that the person lacked humility—it was the misalignment between their self-portrayal and their observable behavior. Authenticity doesn’t come from claiming traits but from embodying them consistently.
As I continue my own journey of personal growth, I’m trying to focus less on assessing whether I possess certain qualities and more on demonstrating them through actions. I’ve stopped introducing myself with a list of character traits—instead, I try to let my behaviors speak for themselves, and I welcome feedback on the inevitable gaps between my intentions and my impact.
Perhaps true wisdom isn’t about arriving at perfect self-knowledge but about closing the gap between who we claim to be and who we demonstrate ourselves to be through our actions. In a world where perception management is increasingly common, this alignment may be the most authentic achievement we can pursue.
What trait do you claim about yourself that might be better demonstrated than declared? And what actions might speak louder than those words?